Chipotle sucks.


I’m just gonna say it, Chipotle sucks. It takes first place for being the worst fast food restaurant there is. I don’t know if it can qualify for mediocrity. I never understood the hype around it, and I still don’t. I had chipotle for the first time my sophomore year. My friends constantly raved about it and finally one of my best friends dragged me to chipotle with him on Halloween, in costume might I add, so we could get our three dollar tacos. Were the tacos okay? Of course, but if I am paying for tacos, I am not paying for mediocrity. Might I add, a burrito costs around eight dollars, and that doesn’t include chips or guacamole which is actually appalling to me. At any authentic Mexican restaurant, chips are always free and if the guac isn’t free, it’s only a dollar or two for a giant serving. Chipotle charges a dollar ninety-five for a child’s portion of guacamole.

Chipotle: I am an eighteen-year-old woman with a large appetite; if I am paying for guacamole, I want all the guac I can get.

Personally, I find that their various protein selections all taste like seasoned cardboard. With the texture of pre-chewed gum. Not to mention their queso tastes like congealed baby vomit and I’m convinced their guacamole is ninety percent salt and ten percent avocado. I’ve been to Chipotle multiple times, and I’ve had tacos, burritos, salads, quesadillas, you name it. The quesadilla was by far the best of all the options because it’s pretty difficult to mess up a tortilla and cheese combo. However, I’d rather just make my own quesadilla at home with all the works instead of spending four dollars on a mediocre quesadilla.

Without going too heavily into detail, I also have found that after eating their food, most people have to go to the bathroom- a lot. So bad to the point where I’ve had friends tell me about the war that was waged on their toilet all night just because they ate half a Chipotle burrito. Some might say that’s just what happens after dining on Mexican food, but I believe that is completely and utterly false. My family and I have been eating at local family-owned Mexican restaurants for years and I have never once felt such a malevolent force in my stomach as I have after eating Chipotle.

If you already thought this anti-Chipotle propaganda was bold, honey you’ve got a big storm coming. I would rather eat Taco Bell every day for a week than eat Chipotle. I have respect for Taco Bell, their food is super affordable, it has flavor, and they know that their not authentic Mexican food. Don’t get me wrong, I realize Taco Bell isn’t Mexican food. They sell Baja blasts and Cinnabon Delights, I realize this is not Tacos El Norte or El Sombrero. I have respect for Taco Bell because they’re not trying to pretend to be Mexican food. They gave that up a long time ago, probably when they introduced the Doritos Locos Tacos. Chipotle, on the other hand, tries so hard to be something their not. They want you to believe they are this healthy, fresh, authentic fast food restaurant.

Chipotle, sweetheart, that’s adorable and all, but getting a bit old. It is time to move on from your dream of being an authentic Mexican restaurant because you never will be. On top of it all, I could get two XXL stuffed burritos from Taco Bell for the same price as one sloppy burrito from Chipotle. If we’re ever hanging out, maybe suggest Taco Bell instead of Chipotle in order to avoid hearing this rant in person.